Hello,
Couldn't find that in the humour page... it's old, but still good...
---
Durval Menezes.
Know your Unix System Administrator
(a field guide)
There are four major species of Unix sysad:
1.The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced
into system
administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell,
sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.
2.The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a
harridan
ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.
3.The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the
Mossad nor Cuba are
willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into
system administration;
occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
4.The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, or old COBOL programmer
selected to be the
system administrator by a committee of cretins, and
old COBOL programmers.
HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:
SITUATION: Low disk space.
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage,
maintain a database of
historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares
regression analysis, identify users
who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to
the offending parties.
Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by
nature, either ignore
script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk
quotas. Allows no
exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over
quota.
MANIAC:
# cd /home
# rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;
IDIOT:
# cd /home
# cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n",
$2}'` | compress
SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain
a database of CPU
usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm,
and renice offending
processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production
database into oblivion, bringing
operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas.
Locks
accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling
development work, much to the
delight of the xtrek freaks.
MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print
$2}'`
IDIOT:
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk
'{print $2}'`
SITUATION: New account creation.
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies
in incomprehensible
default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and
/etc/group. (By hand,
NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to
handle new accounts. Usually,
said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter'
and 'return'; and so, no new
accounts are ever created.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. Since people
without accounts
cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic
requirements; and so, no new accounts
are ever created.
MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I
don't want you on the
system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box
anyway."
IDIOT:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
SITUATION: Root disk fails
TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from
boot monitor. Failing
that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on
neighboring machine to load binary
boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run
over the weekend while he
goes mountain climbing.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who broke the
drive. Refuses to
fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.
MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to smash
same to
flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field engineer
while they put in a new drive and
reinstall the OS.
MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen hammer to
smash same to
flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while
putting in new drive and
reinstalling OS.
IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.
SITUATION: Poor network response.
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire
machine room,
improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, "I've done all I
can do," and goes
mountain climbing.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up
Berkeley and AT&T,
badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks
fired.
MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for
connections to time out.
IDIOT:
# compress -f /dev/en0
SITUATION: User questions
TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new users
questions.
Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode", or for
that matter, emacs.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains
queue of questions.
Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of
the proper form.
MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters knowledge
for powerful drink
and/or sycophantic adulation.
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user
realizes few UNIX systems
support punched cards or JCL.
Stupid user questions
TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or French
until user gives up
and goes away.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can present
documentation
demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.
MANIAC:
# cat > > ~luser/.cshrc
alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z
~/.cshrc'
^D
IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to
system administration
team.
SITUATION: Process accounting management
TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to
sniff out any
problems & compute charges.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records
owned by root
and chmod'ed 000.
MANIAC: Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.
IDIOT:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact
SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V
TECHNICAL THUG: BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V. Horrified by the people who use BSD.
Places frequent
calls to DEA.
MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run
quickly.
IDIOT:
# cd c:
SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX
TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves
the jackboots.
MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much
Big Financial
Institutions love IBM...
IDIOT: AIX.
SITUATION: Balky printer daemons.
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer
support every time
the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job
fired.
MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print
queues, and maybe restarts
the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.
IDIOT:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &
SITUATION: OS upgrade
TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes only what he
likes.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having
shipped a product
with bugs in it in the first place.
MANIAC:
# uptime
1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45,
6.31
# wall
Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on
that
5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you!
^D
IDIOT:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix
SITUATION: Balky mail
TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail in
SNOBOL. Hacks
kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement "better"
semaphores. Rewrites
sendmail in assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts
that go over mail use
quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail,
thus solving problem.
MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`
# rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*
# wall
Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up.
^D
# write max
I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam?
^D
IDIOT:
# echo "HELP!" | mail
tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!
SITUATION: Users want phone list application
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go
back to post-it
notes.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it
notes.
MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God meant
man to keep track of phone
numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.
IDIOT:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"
OTHER GUIDELINES
TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE:
TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a
perl script, rewrites
itself.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:
umask 777
alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >
/dev/null &'
MANIAC: Typical lines include:
alias rm 'rm -rf \!*'
alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'
alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'
alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'
IDIOT: Typical lines include:
alias dir ls
alias era rm
alias kitty cat
alias process_table ps
setenv DISPLAY vt100
HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:
TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes
INTERCAL scripts.
Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality .
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old
TVs to listen in on
cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.
MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits
card-key logs. Modifies old
TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.
IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter.
Rereads flowcharts
from his salad days at Rand.
HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:
TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at
poetry readings and
Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads Readers Digest and Mein Kampf. Sometimes
turns up car
radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs
out in yuppie bars and
tries to pick up dominatrixes.
MANIAC: Reads Utne Reader and Mein Kampf. Faithfully attends Dickies and
Ramones concerts.
Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything,
but favors Wild Turkey,
Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries
to pick up MOTAS by
drinking longshoremen under the table .
IDIOT: Reads Time and Newsweek -- and *believes* them. Drinks
Jagermeister. Tries to pick up
close blood relations-- often succeeds, producing next generation of
idiots.
1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:
TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he
liked Tipper.
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
IDIOT: Perot.
1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:
TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.
ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.
MANIAC: Frank Zappa.
IDIOT: Quayle.
COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:
TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to prevent
folk from ever using
more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and
load brings system to its
knees.
TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system,
but are actually
encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test
sites for worms.
TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do an
"rm -rf /".
FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or
imagined, shuts down
system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.
FASCISTIC IDIOT:
# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd
MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.
Stephan Zielinski